While the life of a N.A.M. may seem like a solitary one—eschewing popular pursuits for the familiar comforts of flannel and frolf; oftentimes, a N.A.M. needs a companion. A N.A.M.’s N.A.W. is a position that is envied by many, and attained by few. How does a N.A.M. go about finding a N.A.W., you ask?
First, upon going out to his favorite watering hole or frolf course, the N.A.M. must decide what kind of N.A.W. he plans on pursuing that evening. If the N.A.M. is more interested in a sexy, flannel-fueled tryst, he can rely on his quiver filled with magic tricks.
To find a more relationship-oriented N.A.W., however, a N.A.M. would be foolish to rely solely on his extensive collection of visual illusions. After the N.A.M. has shined his boat shoes until they would sparkle in even the darkest corners of the Palms, the N.A.M. should don his finest flannel. Properly attired, the N.A.M. is now ready to pursue the fairest maidens around.
Once at the saloon, the N.A.M. should proceed to the jukebox to fill the room with the crunchiest of tunes. As the beautiful notes of a mountain jam waft through the bar, the womens, once aimless, begin to fall under the spell of the N.A.M. Once the N.A.M. has spotted his potential N.A.W., he should draw near, so that the intoxicating scent of Brut can overtake her. As the maiden's senses are overwhelmed by the crunchy tunes, bright flannel patterns, and manly cologne, she will be reeling, subconsciously begging for a proposal.
At this point, the N.A.M. will allow the lady to purchase him a drink, preferably a Pabst Blue Ribbon or a Busch Light. Whenever the N.A.M. has drank his fill, he should return with his beautiful prize to his NAMly lair. There, to the soothing sounds of Jerry's guitar, it is all but a foregone conclusion that the NAM cave will become a gateway to exotic bodies in motion.
It's the Finals Countdown...(Sing and Pump Fist)
We're hearing that Bilbo continues to chug down the scenic Ohio River into northern Kentucky, stumbling into misadventures the likes of which few N.A.M.'s ever experience. He already made the mistake of arriving to his steam boat voyage about 10 Gin and Juices deep, thinking it was a frattastic Cayuga Lake Booze Cruise. Oh Bilbo, when will you ever learn?
The N.A.M., however, has other priorities this time of year. Finals are here, and N.A.M.'s everywhere are putting down their frolf discs for the season and picking up their UCC's, FRE's, and FRCP's. In order to get you through this trying time, the N.A.M. offers you tips which are non-negotiable if you would like to be invited back to school next semester.
1) Find a fellow student nicknamed either "The Doctor" or "Professor" and demand his outlines. Also, if someone you know has nickname based off of his or her ridiculous knowledge of a given class, such as "MPC Bill," it is safe to demand outlines from this person on any course.
2) Avoid that guy who thinks he knows everything about every subject. This parasite listens in on other people's questions and answers them even though they were addressed to someone else. This person will only poison your mind with his or her ill-conceived answers and average intelligence.
3) Find a small study group and go over practice tests with them. Ideally, you should show up completely unprepared, sucking knowledge out of the group while providing no benefit to the remaining members (other than your pure, glorious NAMness).
4) On test day, intimidate your classmates by showing up with eye black, a Breathe Right, and a full suit of Under Armour on. Typing gloves are optional. See, e.g.,
The N.A.M., however, has other priorities this time of year. Finals are here, and N.A.M.'s everywhere are putting down their frolf discs for the season and picking up their UCC's, FRE's, and FRCP's. In order to get you through this trying time, the N.A.M. offers you tips which are non-negotiable if you would like to be invited back to school next semester.
1) Find a fellow student nicknamed either "The Doctor" or "Professor" and demand his outlines. Also, if someone you know has nickname based off of his or her ridiculous knowledge of a given class, such as "MPC Bill," it is safe to demand outlines from this person on any course.
2) Avoid that guy who thinks he knows everything about every subject. This parasite listens in on other people's questions and answers them even though they were addressed to someone else. This person will only poison your mind with his or her ill-conceived answers and average intelligence.
3) Find a small study group and go over practice tests with them. Ideally, you should show up completely unprepared, sucking knowledge out of the group while providing no benefit to the remaining members (other than your pure, glorious NAMness).
4) On test day, intimidate your classmates by showing up with eye black, a Breathe Right, and a full suit of Under Armour on. Typing gloves are optional. See, e.g.,
5) Finally, if you ever find yourself questioning your fundamental beliefs, bring yourself back to reality with one question: What would Faust Rossi Do?
Special Announcement . . . Live Report from the Baseball Winter Meetings in Nashville
The N.A.M. team is proud to announce that the N.A.M. blog has dispatched the Special Assignment Correspondent (the "SAC"), Bilbo, to Nashville, TN to bring a live report from Major League Baseball's winter meetings. Bilbo has just left Ithaca for Nashville via steamboat. He should arrive in several days and will file his report then. Godspeed Biblo! Stay tuned. . .
The Hills . . . LiveBlogged from the N.A.M. Cave . . .
9:43 - Prepare yourselves . . .
9:53 - Questions to think about this ep: 1) Does Justin Bobby boot black tar heroin or is he more of a painkiller guy? 2) If Spencer leaves the apartment in a rage, does he a) get hit by a car on the way out or b) end up sleeping with a transvestite hooker? 3) Does Spencer's Sister enjoy a lesbian tryst with her enemy Lauren a la "Showgirls"?
10:01 - As the theme music echoes through the N.A.M. cave, fist-pumping has reached a crescendo . . .
10:02 - Question: what will Whitney dress up as for the Halloween party? Hopefully, as a N.A.W.
10:04 - Trouble in paradise for Heidi and Spencer? Obviously, Heidi noticed a N.A.M. around town . . .
10:05 - N.A.M. sighting at the Halloween party. Observe Wolfman wearing all flannel.
10:06 - Brody's shaved head. Closer to N.A.M. status? Debate amongst yourselves.
10:07 - Guy dressed up as a sailor with lip ring? What could possibly go wrong . . .
10:07 - Brody's decision to leave Lauren, one of the most perfect human beings on earth, at a party calls into question his new-found NAMness with shaved head and scraggly facial hair.
10:12 - Lauren seems close to tears. Fuck Brody.
10:13 - When confronted about previously leaving the apartment, Spencer replies: "That's your opinion." No Spencer, the N.A.M. witnessed you leave. A N.A.M. frowns on someone disrespecting his intelligence.
10:15 - Sailor with lip ring takes out Audrina, girl with no upper lip. The N.A.M. wonders if Audrina thinks the Sailor is flaunting the existence of his lips.
10:16 - "Romantical" has just entered the N.A.M. vocabulary. If it is good enough for Lo, it is good enough for the N.A.M. If any ladies would like to go on a romantical date with the N.A.M., please contact him (newamericanmale@gmail.com).
10:17 - L.C. wants Brody to not want to see other girls, but she does not want to tell him this. The N.A.M. will tell Brody this, if L.C. would like him to. The N.A.M. would then punch Brody in the dome.
10:21 - Good-looking L.A. video montage accompanied by uplifting music. The N.A.M. approves.
10:22 - The ridiculous blue hat makes it seem like Audrina bumped uglies with said Sailor boy.
10:22 - Justin Bobby apparently did not like to kiss. The N.A.M. does not know whether this indicates a preference for heroin over painkillers.
10:23 - Spencer is reading a book titled "Inside Delta Force". His love for knowledge is unparalleled.
10:24 - Do not mock or raise your voice at Heidi. Do leave. Do never come back.
10:25 - THIS JUST IN: BRODY IS WEARING A FLANNEL.
10:26 - There is much debate in the N.A.M. cave regarding Brody's status as a N.A.M. The atmosphere within the N.A.M. cave is becoming quite contentious.
10:28 - N.A.M.'s don't need to be told. N.A.M.'s do the telling.
10:29 - Enter scenes from next . . .
10:30 - Final thoughts. The N.A.M. has learned several lessons tonight. First, thanks to a discussion about Justin Bobby's showering habits, the N.A.M. may have to reemphasize his hygiene habits. Moreover, there has been some debate over whether use of an iPhone is against what a N.A.M. stands for (See, supra post on Jersey Boys). Brody’s use of the iPhone throws this claim into doubt. Indeed, all like-minded N.A.M.'s should begin a spirited debate over Brody's status as a N.A.M.
9:53 - Questions to think about this ep: 1) Does Justin Bobby boot black tar heroin or is he more of a painkiller guy? 2) If Spencer leaves the apartment in a rage, does he a) get hit by a car on the way out or b) end up sleeping with a transvestite hooker? 3) Does Spencer's Sister enjoy a lesbian tryst with her enemy Lauren a la "Showgirls"?
10:01 - As the theme music echoes through the N.A.M. cave, fist-pumping has reached a crescendo . . .
10:02 - Question: what will Whitney dress up as for the Halloween party? Hopefully, as a N.A.W.
10:04 - Trouble in paradise for Heidi and Spencer? Obviously, Heidi noticed a N.A.M. around town . . .
10:05 - N.A.M. sighting at the Halloween party. Observe Wolfman wearing all flannel.
10:06 - Brody's shaved head. Closer to N.A.M. status? Debate amongst yourselves.
10:07 - Guy dressed up as a sailor with lip ring? What could possibly go wrong . . .
10:07 - Brody's decision to leave Lauren, one of the most perfect human beings on earth, at a party calls into question his new-found NAMness with shaved head and scraggly facial hair.
10:12 - Lauren seems close to tears. Fuck Brody.
10:13 - When confronted about previously leaving the apartment, Spencer replies: "That's your opinion." No Spencer, the N.A.M. witnessed you leave. A N.A.M. frowns on someone disrespecting his intelligence.
10:15 - Sailor with lip ring takes out Audrina, girl with no upper lip. The N.A.M. wonders if Audrina thinks the Sailor is flaunting the existence of his lips.
10:16 - "Romantical" has just entered the N.A.M. vocabulary. If it is good enough for Lo, it is good enough for the N.A.M. If any ladies would like to go on a romantical date with the N.A.M., please contact him (newamericanmale@gmail.com).
10:17 - L.C. wants Brody to not want to see other girls, but she does not want to tell him this. The N.A.M. will tell Brody this, if L.C. would like him to. The N.A.M. would then punch Brody in the dome.
10:21 - Good-looking L.A. video montage accompanied by uplifting music. The N.A.M. approves.
10:22 - The ridiculous blue hat makes it seem like Audrina bumped uglies with said Sailor boy.
10:22 - Justin Bobby apparently did not like to kiss. The N.A.M. does not know whether this indicates a preference for heroin over painkillers.
10:23 - Spencer is reading a book titled "Inside Delta Force". His love for knowledge is unparalleled.
10:24 - Do not mock or raise your voice at Heidi. Do leave. Do never come back.
10:25 - THIS JUST IN: BRODY IS WEARING A FLANNEL.
10:26 - There is much debate in the N.A.M. cave regarding Brody's status as a N.A.M. The atmosphere within the N.A.M. cave is becoming quite contentious.
10:28 - N.A.M.'s don't need to be told. N.A.M.'s do the telling.
10:29 - Enter scenes from next . . .
10:30 - Final thoughts. The N.A.M. has learned several lessons tonight. First, thanks to a discussion about Justin Bobby's showering habits, the N.A.M. may have to reemphasize his hygiene habits. Moreover, there has been some debate over whether use of an iPhone is against what a N.A.M. stands for (See, supra post on Jersey Boys). Brody’s use of the iPhone throws this claim into doubt. Indeed, all like-minded N.A.M.'s should begin a spirited debate over Brody's status as a N.A.M.
Dudes from New Jersey: The N.A.M.'s Archenemy
Having enemies is a natural part of every New American Male's life. Not all members of society can stand for our fantastic good looks, refreshing approach to life's many mysteries, and perfectly broken in boat shoes. Many individuals choose to make the N.A.M. his enemy. However, N.A.M.'s have no problem with making one class of American citizenry an enemy of the N.A.M. per se: those ridiculous, cartoon character-like "men" from the unfortunate state of New Jersey.
Let's review a recent weekend with one my favorite friends from New Jersey, let's call him "Logan," to highlight some of the issues the N.A.M. takes with this problematic lifestyle. After a long Saturday of watching a "Growing up Gotti" marathon, Logan reached for his iPhone to dial up his "boys" to see which club they plan on hitting that night. On this particular occasion, one of Logan's boys, "Marco," was thinking particularly fast on his feet and reminded Logan that he used all of his body glitter and hair product the night before at Club Rain. Because a sick blowout is of huge importance to any Jersey dude, Logan jumped into his T-Topped Nissan Z and drove to Marco's shore house to borrow some Redken for Men and try on some of Marco's tight designer black T-shirts.
After finding no black T-shirt tight enough to suit his fancy, Logan went back to what he likes to call his crib (his mom's place) to get his club game on, which essentially included fine-tuning the blowout, applying one and a half bottles of AXE bodyspray, crushing a protein shake, and donning a white striped button down shirt buttoned halfway for maximum chest hair exposure. At this point, Logan new he was ready to "get nice" with his boys, which typically includes 6 Jager bombs, multiple fist pumps, 4 Grey Goose tonics (Gray Goose brah!), brow-ing down, and two $20 covers. After an expensive cab ride home alone where Logan repeatedly told the driver to "lay off the brakes, champ," another night in the life of a Jersey dude was complete.
Unfortunately, these Dudes comprise a significant, irritable minority in this country. But never fear, N.A.M.s everywhere have begun a grassroots propaganda campaign in New Jersey, spreading flannel, 1990s Bills Super Bowl gear, and frolf discs to children young and old. We can only hope that the next generation of N.A.M.s won't have to face this tragic plague.
Let's review a recent weekend with one my favorite friends from New Jersey, let's call him "Logan," to highlight some of the issues the N.A.M. takes with this problematic lifestyle. After a long Saturday of watching a "Growing up Gotti" marathon, Logan reached for his iPhone to dial up his "boys" to see which club they plan on hitting that night. On this particular occasion, one of Logan's boys, "Marco," was thinking particularly fast on his feet and reminded Logan that he used all of his body glitter and hair product the night before at Club Rain. Because a sick blowout is of huge importance to any Jersey dude, Logan jumped into his T-Topped Nissan Z and drove to Marco's shore house to borrow some Redken for Men and try on some of Marco's tight designer black T-shirts.
After finding no black T-shirt tight enough to suit his fancy, Logan went back to what he likes to call his crib (his mom's place) to get his club game on, which essentially included fine-tuning the blowout, applying one and a half bottles of AXE bodyspray, crushing a protein shake, and donning a white striped button down shirt buttoned halfway for maximum chest hair exposure. At this point, Logan new he was ready to "get nice" with his boys, which typically includes 6 Jager bombs, multiple fist pumps, 4 Grey Goose tonics (Gray Goose brah!), brow-ing down, and two $20 covers. After an expensive cab ride home alone where Logan repeatedly told the driver to "lay off the brakes, champ," another night in the life of a Jersey dude was complete.
Unfortunately, these Dudes comprise a significant, irritable minority in this country. But never fear, N.A.M.s everywhere have begun a grassroots propaganda campaign in New Jersey, spreading flannel, 1990s Bills Super Bowl gear, and frolf discs to children young and old. We can only hope that the next generation of N.A.M.s won't have to face this tragic plague.
The Sweater Vest
Generally, a N.A.M. frowns on accessorizing. The N.A.M. does make certain exceptions for particularly manly additions to what otherwise may be considered a rather sparse wardrobe. Naturally, Native American haberdashery provides a main staple of accessories. One important fashion article that is often overlooked, however, is the sweater vest.
A slew of sexy celebrities seem to support donning the sweater vest as a dedication to New American Maleness. See, e.g., Justin Timberlake, John Mayer, and Alicia Silverstone (the "Clueless" version). It should be noted that NAMs support the work of John Mayer because the body of a New American Male is indeed a wonderland.
This delicious item, in addition to adding a spot of color to any N.A.M.’s wardrobe, offers what is truly a fashion rarity. The sweater vest provides warmth for the core of a New American Male, while at the same time, leaving the arms unrestrained to pursue a range of activities, including, but not limited to: consuming a delicious breakfast of venison and raw eggs, playing frolf, or performing magic tricks to win over a young maiden’s favor. In addition, a sweater vest is appropriate for all occasions, from a day at the beach, to the nuptials of some New American Friends.
A slew of sexy celebrities seem to support donning the sweater vest as a dedication to New American Maleness. See, e.g., Justin Timberlake, John Mayer, and Alicia Silverstone (the "Clueless" version). It should be noted that NAMs support the work of John Mayer because the body of a New American Male is indeed a wonderland.This delicious item, in addition to adding a spot of color to any N.A.M.’s wardrobe, offers what is truly a fashion rarity. The sweater vest provides warmth for the core of a New American Male, while at the same time, leaving the arms unrestrained to pursue a range of activities, including, but not limited to: consuming a delicious breakfast of venison and raw eggs, playing frolf, or performing magic tricks to win over a young maiden’s favor. In addition, a sweater vest is appropriate for all occasions, from a day at the beach, to the nuptials of some New American Friends.
Showering/Shaving: Necessary?
Debatable. Although the N.A.M. must take measures to maintain a certain level of presentability (see entries regarding fitness and style), the amount of time a N.A.M. spends on personal hygiene cannot be narrowed down to an exact science. When deciding whether or not to shower and/or shave, the N.A.M. must balance his competing interests.
First, consider what the N.A.M. could possibly accomplish in the amount of time it would take to shower and/or shave. For example, say it takes 17 minutes to shower, shave and get dressed. In that amount of time, a N.A.M. can listen to a live version of Friend of the Devil or read the entire sports section of the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle (or both if the N.A.M has his game tight).
Next, the N.A.M. must decide where his time would be better spent. Going back to the previous example, if the N.A.M. has just gotten his hands on the latest Dick's Picks and the N.A.M. recently showered just 4 days ago, it is safe to say his time would be better spent soaking in the crunchy tunes. If the previous shower was 8 days ago? More weight may be given to the shower option, but as long as it's nothing a little Brut can't take care of, a N.A.M. would rather listen to Jerry crush his 11 minute solo.
First, consider what the N.A.M. could possibly accomplish in the amount of time it would take to shower and/or shave. For example, say it takes 17 minutes to shower, shave and get dressed. In that amount of time, a N.A.M. can listen to a live version of Friend of the Devil or read the entire sports section of the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle (or both if the N.A.M has his game tight).
Next, the N.A.M. must decide where his time would be better spent. Going back to the previous example, if the N.A.M. has just gotten his hands on the latest Dick's Picks and the N.A.M. recently showered just 4 days ago, it is safe to say his time would be better spent soaking in the crunchy tunes. If the previous shower was 8 days ago? More weight may be given to the shower option, but as long as it's nothing a little Brut can't take care of, a N.A.M. would rather listen to Jerry crush his 11 minute solo.
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