There comes a time in every New American Male's life when he is torn between overachieving in order to improve his employment prospects, or "keeping it real" by continuing on with everyday N.A.M. activities, such as throwing the diamond up and watching some combination of Family Feud and Divorce Court all day.
As someone whose most significant work experience includes moving home and office furniture ("Big or small, we move it all"), this problem became more acute when I decided to enter the fanciful world of the law. Lawyers tend to wear non-IMBS's, are usually ignorant of frolf, and dislike crunchy tunes. As if that wasn't enough to scare the wits out of me, the prospect of padding my resume in order to find work really challenged my N.A.M. ideals.
In an ideal world, the New American Male would host a reality TV show on VH1 called "The N.A.M. Artist" where confused American males would compete to become the next N.A.M. VH1 would be ideal, but I would also settle for Bravo.
The key to this tension between reality and NAMness is this: make every employment and extracurricular decision with the underlying goal of keeping it real. Do the Moot Court competition? No, thank you. NAM's frown on make-believe. And the journal competition? The world of academia has ignored N.A.M. scholarship ever since Joe Namath's attempted kiss of Suzy Kolber. What about being a TA? Well, "if we're not schooling the youth with wisdom . . . that’s not keepin' it real, that’s keeping it wrong." Gang Starr, 2 Robbin Hood Theory at 0:37 (1998). In short, make your decisions, and afterwards, don't rationalize them. That's what monkeys do.
The New American Law Student (Vol. I)
Earlier, during my formative years as a New American Young Male, my mother told me one very important thing. She said: "New American Male, the law does not learn itself" (I will explain why I make my mother call me the New American Male in an upcoming post). So, when I came of age, I packed up my shit and headed off to the wonders that are law school.
In about a year and a half, I've pretty much learned the law. Some of this knowledge came from formal schooling. Other parts have come from time I've spent in jail after attending croquet matches (something about the wickets primes me for violence).
I have a favorite case. Dillon v. Twin State Electric & Gas Co., 85 N.H. 449 (N.H. 1932). Once, a small boy was playing on a bridge that was above some high-tension wires. This boy fell off the bridge. He certainly would have died from the fall, but for good measure he was electrocuted on the way down. In class, we were supposed to think about whether the electrical company should pay any scrilla to the small boy's family. I knew the answer. Any New American Male would have lived.
In about a year and a half, I've pretty much learned the law. Some of this knowledge came from formal schooling. Other parts have come from time I've spent in jail after attending croquet matches (something about the wickets primes me for violence).
I have a favorite case. Dillon v. Twin State Electric & Gas Co., 85 N.H. 449 (N.H. 1932). Once, a small boy was playing on a bridge that was above some high-tension wires. This boy fell off the bridge. He certainly would have died from the fall, but for good measure he was electrocuted on the way down. In class, we were supposed to think about whether the electrical company should pay any scrilla to the small boy's family. I knew the answer. Any New American Male would have lived.
The New American Business Suit
One of the pillars of the N.A.M. avatar is the Inconspicuously Mismatching Business Suit ("IMBS"). There is much controversy surrounding this concept, which is why I feel it's necessary to take this opportunity to silence the critics. Many haters have dismissed the IMBS, unfairly labeling this classic look as nothing more than an ill-conceived fad.
First, a N.A.M. should never feel obligated to explain himself to the masses. While it is every N.A.M.'s responsibility to offer a glimpse into our world, a true N.A.M. never needs to rationalize like a monkey.
The IMBS started on one of my bi-annual pilgrimages to Men's Wearhouse. I found a really sweet chocolate brown blazer with a tan pinstripe (I'll explain the importance of earthtones in a later post). When I went to slip the jacket on, I noticed the slacks were missing from the hanger. I called over a salesman who looked on the rack and found a taupe suite with a grey pinstripe and gave me the slacks to try on with my jacket. When I came out of the fitting room, the salesman uttered two words that changed my life, two words that every N.A.M. must commit to memory. "It's close." I needed no validation from any mirror. I knew I was in the presence of greatness, as this salesman had obviously reached an upper echelon of New American Maleness.
In conclusion, when a N.A.M. is questioned about his IMBS, he needs only to repeat those two special words. This typically ends all inquiry. After this, if any skepticism remains, proceed with a swift mush to the face to get your point across.
First, a N.A.M. should never feel obligated to explain himself to the masses. While it is every N.A.M.'s responsibility to offer a glimpse into our world, a true N.A.M. never needs to rationalize like a monkey.
The IMBS started on one of my bi-annual pilgrimages to Men's Wearhouse. I found a really sweet chocolate brown blazer with a tan pinstripe (I'll explain the importance of earthtones in a later post). When I went to slip the jacket on, I noticed the slacks were missing from the hanger. I called over a salesman who looked on the rack and found a taupe suite with a grey pinstripe and gave me the slacks to try on with my jacket. When I came out of the fitting room, the salesman uttered two words that changed my life, two words that every N.A.M. must commit to memory. "It's close." I needed no validation from any mirror. I knew I was in the presence of greatness, as this salesman had obviously reached an upper echelon of New American Maleness.
In conclusion, when a N.A.M. is questioned about his IMBS, he needs only to repeat those two special words. This typically ends all inquiry. After this, if any skepticism remains, proceed with a swift mush to the face to get your point across.
N.A.M.'s Guide to The Hills
Not only must a N.A.M. keep his body fit with monthly bicep exercises and casual frolf course walks, he must also keep his soul fulfilled with the most cutting edge pop-culture reality television shows. Enter "The Hills," a genius MTV creation that has been required N.A.M. viewing the past 2 seasons. To experience the finest of the "The Hills," here are some basic requirements:
1) Sing the opening song if you know the words. If you do not, or if you forget a verse, simply pump your fist in the air to its uplifting beat.
2) Constantly debate who the hottest girl on the show is. Many N.A.M.'s have a hard time choosing as each episode reveals more beautiful facts about each character.
3) Curse the men who date these women at every proper opportunity. N.A.M.'s are very protective of their womens.
4) Always root for another fight between Heidi and LC. If you don't keep a N.A.M.'s attention with high octane drama, he will be forced daydream about the Real World.
5) After watching "Scenes from the next," enjoy an open discussion with fellow N.A.M.'s on what you have just witnessed, and also what next week's episode may bring. N.A.M.'s don't watch reality TV in isolation; sharing the experience with like-minded N.A.M.'s is a must.
1) Sing the opening song if you know the words. If you do not, or if you forget a verse, simply pump your fist in the air to its uplifting beat.
2) Constantly debate who the hottest girl on the show is. Many N.A.M.'s have a hard time choosing as each episode reveals more beautiful facts about each character.
3) Curse the men who date these women at every proper opportunity. N.A.M.'s are very protective of their womens.
4) Always root for another fight between Heidi and LC. If you don't keep a N.A.M.'s attention with high octane drama, he will be forced daydream about the Real World.
5) After watching "Scenes from the next," enjoy an open discussion with fellow N.A.M.'s on what you have just witnessed, and also what next week's episode may bring. N.A.M.'s don't watch reality TV in isolation; sharing the experience with like-minded N.A.M.'s is a must.
The Art of Mushing
Inevitably, when one is as glorious as a New American Male, altercations with others will ensue. These altercations may be a result of jealousy, fear, awe, or some combination thereof. Regardless, a N.A.M. does not stand for disrespect. Whenever a New American Male is met with an affront, he quickly and decisively responds with a mush.
What is a mush, you ask? A mush, my friends, is the application of the open hand to another's face. In one swift motion, after the face has been grabbed, the face is then pushed away from the N.A.M. Preferably, any confrontation ends with the assailant mushed down a flight of stairs. Or perhaps mushed out a window. Inevitably, a mushing will result in both physical pain and shame. In this sense, mushing can be considered akin to training a dog.
What is a mush, you ask? A mush, my friends, is the application of the open hand to another's face. In one swift motion, after the face has been grabbed, the face is then pushed away from the N.A.M. Preferably, any confrontation ends with the assailant mushed down a flight of stairs. Or perhaps mushed out a window. Inevitably, a mushing will result in both physical pain and shame. In this sense, mushing can be considered akin to training a dog.
Bilbo Appreciation Night
Any true New American Male has great American male friends. I, of course, have many, some of whom can provide great insight into the mind of the N.A.M. Tonight I'd like discuss one my personal favorites: Bilbo.
From his stylish rugby style long sleeve shirts, to his boyish side-part, Biblo's avatar captures a sense of style that every aspiring N.A.M. can learn from. He has a killer gaming computer (which mushed my p.o.s. dell just last week) and I respect that. He dominates 8 year-old Japanese kids in Halo, and he can jam out Buckethead on expert level with his eyes closed, I respect these qualities too. But what I respect most is his unparalleled and unexpected episodes of rainmaking. This kid makes it pour.
Lesson: making it rain is essential to becoming a N.A.M. So next time you see Bilbo monkey-pawing unsuspecting strangers in the basement of Rulloff's, I suggest you stop whatever you're doing and pay close attention to his next-level rainmaking abilities.
From his stylish rugby style long sleeve shirts, to his boyish side-part, Biblo's avatar captures a sense of style that every aspiring N.A.M. can learn from. He has a killer gaming computer (which mushed my p.o.s. dell just last week) and I respect that. He dominates 8 year-old Japanese kids in Halo, and he can jam out Buckethead on expert level with his eyes closed, I respect these qualities too. But what I respect most is his unparalleled and unexpected episodes of rainmaking. This kid makes it pour.
Lesson: making it rain is essential to becoming a N.A.M. So next time you see Bilbo monkey-pawing unsuspecting strangers in the basement of Rulloff's, I suggest you stop whatever you're doing and pay close attention to his next-level rainmaking abilities.
Why N.A.M.'s Frolf
Some people like golf. I don't. I like frolf. Frolf combines two games that are mediocre on their own, but when combined create a delicious synergy. Occasionally, when I'm on a frolf course, and the sun is setting as the strong wind whips through the tall grass, I experience a feeling that I imagine is close to nirvana. Moreover, I am awfully good at frolf. I like to describe my frolf style as unorthodox, yet aesthetically appealing.
The N.A.M. Guide to Tossing Irons
A respectable workout regimen is a vital part of any New American Male's life. However, as with any self-improving activity, one must be wary not to overdo it. Thus, the typical N.A.M. workout only lasts 20 minutes. During this time, the sole focus should be on the moneymakers—the biceps. That's right. Twenty straight minutes of bicep curls. Then return home. Four to eight weeks later, repeat this routine.
Essential Footwear
- Hiking boots: comfortable, durable, classy. a must have.
- Starbury's: for $15 you can floss as hard as the N.A.M.
- Birkenstocks: I usually rock these when i'm getting my frolf on
- Boat Shoes: I like to break these out for very special occasions. e.g. oral arguments, important interviews, black tie affairs
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