It's the Finals Countdown...(Sing and Pump Fist)

We're hearing that Bilbo continues to chug down the scenic Ohio River into northern Kentucky, stumbling into misadventures the likes of which few N.A.M.'s ever experience. He already made the mistake of arriving to his steam boat voyage about 10 Gin and Juices deep, thinking it was a frattastic Cayuga Lake Booze Cruise. Oh Bilbo, when will you ever learn?

The N.A.M., however, has other priorities this time of year. Finals are here, and N.A.M.'s everywhere are putting down their frolf discs for the season and picking up their UCC's, FRE's, and FRCP's. In order to get you through this trying time, the N.A.M. offers you tips which are non-negotiable if you would like to be invited back to school next semester.

1) Find a fellow student nicknamed either "The Doctor" or "Professor" and demand his outlines. Also, if someone you know has nickname based off of his or her ridiculous knowledge of a given class, such as "MPC Bill," it is safe to demand outlines from this person on any course.

2) Avoid that guy who thinks he knows everything about every subject. This parasite listens in on other people's questions and answers them even though they were addressed to someone else. This person will only poison your mind with his or her ill-conceived answers and average intelligence.

3) Find a small study group and go over practice tests with them. Ideally, you should show up completely unprepared, sucking knowledge out of the group while providing no benefit to the remaining members (other than your pure, glorious NAMness).

4) On test day, intimidate your classmates by showing up with eye black, a Breathe Right, and a full suit of Under Armour on. Typing gloves are optional. See, e.g.,

5) Finally, if you ever find yourself questioning your fundamental beliefs, bring yourself back to reality with one question: What would Faust Rossi Do?