Having enemies is a natural part of every New American Male's life. Not all members of society can stand for our fantastic good looks, refreshing approach to life's many mysteries, and perfectly broken in boat shoes. Many individuals choose to make the N.A.M. his enemy. However, N.A.M.'s have no problem with making one class of American citizenry an enemy of the N.A.M. per se: those ridiculous, cartoon character-like "men" from the unfortunate state of New Jersey.
Let's review a recent weekend with one my favorite friends from New Jersey, let's call him "Logan," to highlight some of the issues the N.A.M. takes with this problematic lifestyle. After a long Saturday of watching a "Growing up Gotti" marathon, Logan reached for his iPhone to dial up his "boys" to see which club they plan on hitting that night. On this particular occasion, one of Logan's boys, "Marco," was thinking particularly fast on his feet and reminded Logan that he used all of his body glitter and hair product the night before at Club Rain. Because a sick blowout is of huge importance to any Jersey dude, Logan jumped into his T-Topped Nissan Z and drove to Marco's shore house to borrow some Redken for Men and try on some of Marco's tight designer black T-shirts.
After finding no black T-shirt tight enough to suit his fancy, Logan went back to what he likes to call his crib (his mom's place) to get his club game on, which essentially included fine-tuning the blowout, applying one and a half bottles of AXE bodyspray, crushing a protein shake, and donning a white striped button down shirt buttoned halfway for maximum chest hair exposure. At this point, Logan new he was ready to "get nice" with his boys, which typically includes 6 Jager bombs, multiple fist pumps, 4 Grey Goose tonics (Gray Goose brah!), brow-ing down, and two $20 covers. After an expensive cab ride home alone where Logan repeatedly told the driver to "lay off the brakes, champ," another night in the life of a Jersey dude was complete.
Unfortunately, these Dudes comprise a significant, irritable minority in this country. But never fear, N.A.M.s everywhere have begun a grassroots propaganda campaign in New Jersey, spreading flannel, 1990s Bills Super Bowl gear, and frolf discs to children young and old. We can only hope that the next generation of N.A.M.s won't have to face this tragic plague.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
NAM--I see one very egregious mistake in your "Jersey Dudes" blog. No Jersey guy, who sports a blowout and exposes his chest hair, would ever be caught dead using an IPhone. A true Jersey boy, who parties at Bar A down the shore and pimps out his ride with strobelights, would only be caught dead using a Nextel.
Classic American Woman,
Your point is an intriguing one. It is clear that you are extremely familiar with every facet of the New Jersey Dude. In fact, you are perhaps too familiar for the N.A.M. to take anything you say seriously. You should perhaps look into some of the many support groups available for those who have lost their way and entered the dangerous world of the New Jersey Dude.
NAM--Perhaps your classification of "Jersey Dudes" as your "archnemeses" is based on the fact that this unique brand of MAN intimidates and intriques you. Perhaps your hatred of this group of people is based on your own insecurities and failures with women throughout the years. Perhaps it is this group's success in life, as well as with women, that causes your impulsive reaction of hatred. Just a thought.
Dearest CAW,
Your carnal knowledge of the New Jersey Dude(s) is obvious. Naturally, this has skewed your perception of the world. Not being a female, it is difficult to understand your reaction to the overwhelming scent of AXE body spray and the sensory confusion caused by copious amounts of body glitter and glow sticks. I am going to proceed under the assumption that you experienced some degree of sensory overload, and this has permanently hindered your ability to understand and analyze. Truly, the N.A.M. is sorry for you, and all others in your predicament. This should serve as a warning to all-- this is your brain on New Jersey.
Stunner--Though I am no expert in psychology, I find it interesting that in your response to my post, you did not touch on any of the things I had pointed out (i.e., your insecurities and disappointment over your failures). Even with such a cursory knowledge of psychology (I took general psych in college), I think it is quite telling that you did not address these issues. I think any psychologist would agree that you are exhibiting signs of denial. From my understanding, denial is the first stage of any grieving process. Once you get through this step (which might take months, or even years), you will enter the "mourning" stage. Mourning over your insecurities and inability to reach Jersey-boy status could last for decades. My heart goes out to you.
Dear CAW,
Your mastery of college freshman level psychology impresses me. I did not address these alleged "insecurities" because I felt that they did not dignify a response. For now, I think it is sufficient to say, that based on this blog's body of work, it is clear that the N.A.M. has no trouble with the ladies. In fact, I would venture to say that you are only one small magic trick away from being nude in the N.A.M. cave. Perhaps one day the N.A.M. will visit the Jersey Shore. Instantly, the N.A.M. would be surrounded by an adoring entourage, the likes of which would make 50 Cent jealous.
P.S. Despite what you may be told, being a "club promoter" is not a sweet job.
I think that stunner is very confused about exactly what it takes to be a Jersey boy and has been relying a bit too much on the Long Island/Staten Island boys for inspiration. No true Jersey boy would ever use the term "Brah." It just doesn't go with their Jersey accents. Does the NAM just hate on everyone who's not from the ROC?
being a club promoter is a respectable profession
Overheard at Island Health & Fitness: two apparent Jersey Dudes discussing how the Buffalo Bills are having another "shitty" season while working out their money makers. Should I have mushed them right then and there? Should I not have been at Island Health & Fitness to begin with?
What is the etiquette for a NAM when his gunner sidekick unintentionally unloads a Jersey Boy on him for an unwanted lunch at a local sandwich eatery? How does he handle said lunch? What reprisals does he enact on the gunner?
Frat Casual,
you should probably be careful in how far you take your retributive action against said gunner sidekick. being a gunner, he probably has superior legal abilities to you and/or has access to attorneys with superior legal abilities than you have access to. you should probably not go beyond subtly calling him out on a blog with a readership of 5 people.
Mr. Cossack,
First, let me commend you on being the foremost legal analyst in all of televised sports. However, let me point out that I don't believe a NAM ever hides behind his lawyers or his lawyering skills. According to my research, a true NAM would confront the retributive action head-on, with a straight mush to the dome. Perhaps even a mush down a flight of steps if applicable. Your a long way from Bristol, son.
Post a Comment