N.A.M. Jams

Due to some murmuring recently about what qualifies as a "crunchy tune," or for that matter, a "mountain jam," the time has come for some amount of clarification. The concepts themselves are difficult to explain, and perhaps have been distorted in recent years with the growing popularity of N.A.M.ly beats. To begin with, it should be noted that crunchy tunes encapsulate all musical tastes and flavors, ranging from R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly," and Deep Blue Something's "Breakfast at Tiffany's" to Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten" and the Crash Test Dummies' "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm."

However, one particular musical compilation has managed to reach the crescendo of crunchiness. While its creators must remain nameless, its title still manages to strike tranquility into hearts of listeners to this day: Mountain Jam. According to several sources, hearing this song for the first time caused one friend of the N.A.M. to quit his job, drop out of the University of Phoenix, and travel to Moose Factory, Ontario in order to search out his fur trading-post ancestors. What's more, the N.A.M. recently admitted that upon hearing a 28 minute live version of it this past summer, he questioned whether he still qualified as a N.A.M., as he had no idea on how to play the song on his bassoon. This sent him into a spiraling depression where he sought answers by "attending a taping" of Chris Hanson's "To Catch a Predator." Clearly, the power of this harmony is fantastic.

If perchance you still are confused regarding crunchy tunes, please, indulge in the link provided, and lose yourself in the rhythm.

The Greatest Song Ever

The Portrait of a N.A.M. as a Young Man

A child is born every three seconds. Most of these children are worthless and will never amount to anything. But before you get depressed, every several years, a child is born that is destined to be a N.A.M. This is one of those children:

Video: A 5-year-old N.A.M. in action
Print: A N.A.M. from Davy Crockett's Loins

Special Announcement Re Lack of Hills Analysis

It turns out Bob Green's getting of the N.A.M. was worse than originally expected. He's checked into the renowned Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital and is under the care of expert physician Gregory House, M.D. X-rays came back negative, but it appears Bob Green's getting was most acute in the forearm and pelvic regions of the N.A.M. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Special Announcement: Hills Analysis Tonight

That's right, the N.A.M. will be providing fans from around the world his insight and analysis into the ongoing drama of The Hills tonight at approximately 10pm LC time. The N.A.M. is aware of how amazing the live blog was last week and wishes he could achieve LiveBlog nirvana with fellow Hills fans tonight as well. However, the N.A.M., like many others, is currently getting got by Bob Green. But don't worry, Bob Green's temporary getting will only force the N.A.M. to provide even more extensive coverage of topics such as Brody's current N.A.M. level, lip ring guy and Audrina, and Spencer's stupid face. Stay tuned.
Also, did Whitney just outright refuse her Mystic Tan in this picture? Thoughts appreciated.

The N.A.M.'s Guide to Womens (Vol. I)

While the life of a N.A.M. may seem like a solitary one—eschewing popular pursuits for the familiar comforts of flannel and frolf; oftentimes, a N.A.M. needs a companion. A N.A.M.’s N.A.W. is a position that is envied by many, and attained by few. How does a N.A.M. go about finding a N.A.W., you ask?

First, upon going out to his favorite watering hole or frolf course, the N.A.M. must decide what kind of N.A.W. he plans on pursuing that evening. If the N.A.M. is more interested in a sexy, flannel-fueled tryst, he can rely on his quiver filled with magic tricks.

To find a more relationship-oriented N.A.W., however, a N.A.M. would be foolish to rely solely on his extensive collection of visual illusions. After the N.A.M. has shined his boat shoes until they would sparkle in even the darkest corners of the Palms, the N.A.M. should don his finest flannel. Properly attired, the N.A.M. is now ready to pursue the fairest maidens around.

Once at the saloon, the N.A.M. should proceed to the jukebox to fill the room with the crunchiest of tunes. As the beautiful notes of a mountain jam waft through the bar, the womens, once aimless, begin to fall under the spell of the N.A.M. Once the N.A.M. has spotted his potential N.A.W., he should draw near, so that the intoxicating scent of Brut can overtake her. As the maiden's senses are overwhelmed by the crunchy tunes, bright flannel patterns, and manly cologne, she will be reeling, subconsciously begging for a proposal.

At this point, the N.A.M. will allow the lady to purchase him a drink, preferably a Pabst Blue Ribbon or a Busch Light. Whenever the N.A.M. has drank his fill, he should return with his beautiful prize to his NAMly lair. There, to the soothing sounds of Jerry's guitar, it is all but a foregone conclusion that the NAM cave will become a gateway to exotic bodies in motion.

It's the Finals Countdown...(Sing and Pump Fist)

We're hearing that Bilbo continues to chug down the scenic Ohio River into northern Kentucky, stumbling into misadventures the likes of which few N.A.M.'s ever experience. He already made the mistake of arriving to his steam boat voyage about 10 Gin and Juices deep, thinking it was a frattastic Cayuga Lake Booze Cruise. Oh Bilbo, when will you ever learn?

The N.A.M., however, has other priorities this time of year. Finals are here, and N.A.M.'s everywhere are putting down their frolf discs for the season and picking up their UCC's, FRE's, and FRCP's. In order to get you through this trying time, the N.A.M. offers you tips which are non-negotiable if you would like to be invited back to school next semester.

1) Find a fellow student nicknamed either "The Doctor" or "Professor" and demand his outlines. Also, if someone you know has nickname based off of his or her ridiculous knowledge of a given class, such as "MPC Bill," it is safe to demand outlines from this person on any course.

2) Avoid that guy who thinks he knows everything about every subject. This parasite listens in on other people's questions and answers them even though they were addressed to someone else. This person will only poison your mind with his or her ill-conceived answers and average intelligence.

3) Find a small study group and go over practice tests with them. Ideally, you should show up completely unprepared, sucking knowledge out of the group while providing no benefit to the remaining members (other than your pure, glorious NAMness).

4) On test day, intimidate your classmates by showing up with eye black, a Breathe Right, and a full suit of Under Armour on. Typing gloves are optional. See, e.g.,

5) Finally, if you ever find yourself questioning your fundamental beliefs, bring yourself back to reality with one question: What would Faust Rossi Do?

Special Announcement . . . Live Report from the Baseball Winter Meetings in Nashville

The N.A.M. team is proud to announce that the N.A.M. blog has dispatched the Special Assignment Correspondent (the "SAC"), Bilbo, to Nashville, TN to bring a live report from Major League Baseball's winter meetings. Bilbo has just left Ithaca for Nashville via steamboat. He should arrive in several days and will file his report then. Godspeed Biblo! Stay tuned. . .

The N.A.M.'s Christmas Wishlist

The Hills . . . LiveBlogged from the N.A.M. Cave . . .

9:43 - Prepare yourselves . . .

9:53 - Questions to think about this ep: 1) Does Justin Bobby boot black tar heroin or is he more of a painkiller guy? 2) If Spencer leaves the apartment in a rage, does he a) get hit by a car on the way out or b) end up sleeping with a transvestite hooker? 3) Does Spencer's Sister enjoy a lesbian tryst with her enemy Lauren a la "Showgirls"?

10:01 - As the theme music echoes through the N.A.M. cave, fist-pumping has reached a crescendo . . .

10:02 - Question: what will Whitney dress up as for the Halloween party? Hopefully, as a N.A.W.

10:04 - Trouble in paradise for Heidi and Spencer? Obviously, Heidi noticed a N.A.M. around town . . .

10:05 - N.A.M. sighting at the Halloween party. Observe Wolfman wearing all flannel.

10:06 - Brody's shaved head. Closer to N.A.M. status? Debate amongst yourselves.

10:07 - Guy dressed up as a sailor with lip ring? What could possibly go wrong . . .

10:07 - Brody's decision to leave Lauren, one of the most perfect human beings on earth, at a party calls into question his new-found NAMness with shaved head and scraggly facial hair.

10:12 - Lauren seems close to tears. Fuck Brody.

10:13 - When confronted about previously leaving the apartment, Spencer replies: "That's your opinion." No Spencer, the N.A.M. witnessed you leave. A N.A.M. frowns on someone disrespecting his intelligence.

10:15 - Sailor with lip ring takes out Audrina, girl with no upper lip. The N.A.M. wonders if Audrina thinks the Sailor is flaunting the existence of his lips.

10:16 - "Romantical" has just entered the N.A.M. vocabulary. If it is good enough for Lo, it is good enough for the N.A.M. If any ladies would like to go on a romantical date with the N.A.M., please contact him (newamericanmale@gmail.com).

10:17 - L.C. wants Brody to not want to see other girls, but she does not want to tell him this. The N.A.M. will tell Brody this, if L.C. would like him to. The N.A.M. would then punch Brody in the dome.

10:21 - Good-looking L.A. video montage accompanied by uplifting music. The N.A.M. approves.

10:22 - The ridiculous blue hat makes it seem like Audrina bumped uglies with said Sailor boy.

10:22 - Justin Bobby apparently did not like to kiss. The N.A.M. does not know whether this indicates a preference for heroin over painkillers.

10:23 - Spencer is reading a book titled "Inside Delta Force". His love for knowledge is unparalleled.

10:24 - Do not mock or raise your voice at Heidi. Do leave. Do never come back.

10:25 - THIS JUST IN: BRODY IS WEARING A FLANNEL.

10:26 - There is much debate in the N.A.M. cave regarding Brody's status as a N.A.M. The atmosphere within the N.A.M. cave is becoming quite contentious.

10:28 - N.A.M.'s don't need to be told. N.A.M.'s do the telling.

10:29 - Enter scenes from next . . .

10:30 - Final thoughts. The N.A.M. has learned several lessons tonight. First, thanks to a discussion about Justin Bobby's showering habits, the N.A.M. may have to reemphasize his hygiene habits. Moreover, there has been some debate over whether use of an iPhone is against what a N.A.M. stands for (See, supra post on Jersey Boys). Brody’s use of the iPhone throws this claim into doubt. Indeed, all like-minded N.A.M.'s should begin a spirited debate over Brody's status as a N.A.M.

Dudes from New Jersey: The N.A.M.'s Archenemy

Having enemies is a natural part of every New American Male's life. Not all members of society can stand for our fantastic good looks, refreshing approach to life's many mysteries, and perfectly broken in boat shoes. Many individuals choose to make the N.A.M. his enemy. However, N.A.M.'s have no problem with making one class of American citizenry an enemy of the N.A.M. per se: those ridiculous, cartoon character-like "men" from the unfortunate state of New Jersey.

Let's review a recent weekend with one my favorite friends from New Jersey, let's call him "Logan," to highlight some of the issues the N.A.M. takes with this problematic lifestyle. After a long Saturday of watching a "Growing up Gotti" marathon, Logan reached for his iPhone to dial up his "boys" to see which club they plan on hitting that night. On this particular occasion, one of Logan's boys, "Marco," was thinking particularly fast on his feet and reminded Logan that he used all of his body glitter and hair product the night before at Club Rain. Because a sick blowout is of huge importance to any Jersey dude, Logan jumped into his T-Topped Nissan Z and drove to Marco's shore house to borrow some Redken for Men and try on some of Marco's tight designer black T-shirts.

After finding no black T-shirt tight enough to suit his fancy, Logan went back to what he likes to call his crib (his mom's place) to get his club game on, which essentially included fine-tuning the blowout, applying one and a half bottles of AXE bodyspray, crushing a protein shake, and donning a white striped button down shirt buttoned halfway for maximum chest hair exposure. At this point, Logan new he was ready to "get nice" with his boys, which typically includes 6 Jager bombs, multiple fist pumps, 4 Grey Goose tonics (Gray Goose brah!), brow-ing down, and two $20 covers. After an expensive cab ride home alone where Logan repeatedly told the driver to "lay off the brakes, champ," another night in the life of a Jersey dude was complete.

Unfortunately, these Dudes comprise a significant, irritable minority in this country. But never fear, N.A.M.s everywhere have begun a grassroots propaganda campaign in New Jersey, spreading flannel, 1990s Bills Super Bowl gear, and frolf discs to children young and old. We can only hope that the next generation of N.A.M.s won't have to face this tragic plague.

The Sweater Vest

Generally, a N.A.M. frowns on accessorizing. The N.A.M. does make certain exceptions for particularly manly additions to what otherwise may be considered a rather sparse wardrobe. Naturally, Native American haberdashery provides a main staple of accessories. One important fashion article that is often overlooked, however, is the sweater vest.

A slew of sexy celebrities seem to support donning the sweater vest as a dedication to New American Maleness. See, e.g., Justin Timberlake, John Mayer, and Alicia Silverstone (the "Clueless" version). It should be noted that NAMs support the work of John Mayer because the body of a New American Male is indeed a wonderland.

This delicious item, in addition to adding a spot of color to any N.A.M.’s wardrobe, offers what is truly a fashion rarity. The sweater vest provides warmth for the core of a New American Male, while at the same time, leaving the arms unrestrained to pursue a range of activities, including, but not limited to: consuming a delicious breakfast of venison and raw eggs, playing frolf, or performing magic tricks to win over a young maiden’s favor. In addition, a sweater vest is appropriate for all occasions, from a day at the beach, to the nuptials of some New American Friends.

Showering/Shaving: Necessary?

Debatable. Although the N.A.M. must take measures to maintain a certain level of presentability (see entries regarding fitness and style), the amount of time a N.A.M. spends on personal hygiene cannot be narrowed down to an exact science. When deciding whether or not to shower and/or shave, the N.A.M. must balance his competing interests.

First, consider what the N.A.M. could possibly accomplish in the amount of time it would take to shower and/or shave. For example, say it takes 17 minutes to shower, shave and get dressed. In that amount of time, a N.A.M. can listen to a live version of Friend of the Devil or read the entire sports section of the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle (or both if the N.A.M has his game tight).

Next, the N.A.M. must decide where his time would be better spent. Going back to the previous example, if the N.A.M. has just gotten his hands on the latest Dick's Picks and the N.A.M. recently showered just 4 days ago, it is safe to say his time would be better spent soaking in the crunchy tunes. If the previous shower was 8 days ago? More weight may be given to the shower option, but as long as it's nothing a little Brut can't take care of, a N.A.M. would rather listen to Jerry crush his 11 minute solo.

New American Law Student (Vol. II)

There comes a time in every New American Male's life when he is torn between overachieving in order to improve his employment prospects, or "keeping it real" by continuing on with everyday N.A.M. activities, such as throwing the diamond up and watching some combination of Family Feud and Divorce Court all day.

As someone whose most significant work experience includes moving home and office furniture ("Big or small, we move it all"), this problem became more acute when I decided to enter the fanciful world of the law. Lawyers tend to wear non-IMBS's, are usually ignorant of frolf, and dislike crunchy tunes. As if that wasn't enough to scare the wits out of me, the prospect of padding my resume in order to find work really challenged my N.A.M. ideals.

In an ideal world, the New American Male would host a reality TV show on VH1 called "The N.A.M. Artist" where confused American males would compete to become the next N.A.M. VH1 would be ideal, but I would also settle for Bravo.

The key to this tension between reality and NAMness is this: make every employment and extracurricular decision with the underlying goal of keeping it real. Do the Moot Court competition? No, thank you. NAM's frown on make-believe. And the journal competition? The world of academia has ignored N.A.M. scholarship ever since Joe Namath's attempted kiss of Suzy Kolber. What about being a TA? Well, "if we're not schooling the youth with wisdom . . . that’s not keepin' it real, that’s keeping it wrong." Gang Starr, 2 Robbin Hood Theory at 0:37 (1998). In short, make your decisions, and afterwards, don't rationalize them. That's what monkeys do.

The New American Law Student (Vol. I)

Earlier, during my formative years as a New American Young Male, my mother told me one very important thing. She said: "New American Male, the law does not learn itself" (I will explain why I make my mother call me the New American Male in an upcoming post). So, when I came of age, I packed up my shit and headed off to the wonders that are law school.

In about a year and a half, I've pretty much learned the law. Some of this knowledge came from formal schooling. Other parts have come from time I've spent in jail after attending croquet matches (something about the wickets primes me for violence).

I have a favorite case. Dillon v. Twin State Electric & Gas Co., 85 N.H. 449 (N.H. 1932). Once, a small boy was playing on a bridge that was above some high-tension wires. This boy fell off the bridge. He certainly would have died from the fall, but for good measure he was electrocuted on the way down. In class, we were supposed to think about whether the electrical company should pay any scrilla to the small boy's family. I knew the answer. Any New American Male would have lived.

The New American Business Suit

One of the pillars of the N.A.M. avatar is the Inconspicuously Mismatching Business Suit ("IMBS"). There is much controversy surrounding this concept, which is why I feel it's necessary to take this opportunity to silence the critics. Many haters have dismissed the IMBS, unfairly labeling this classic look as nothing more than an ill-conceived fad.

First, a N.A.M. should never feel obligated to explain himself to the masses. While it is every N.A.M.'s responsibility to offer a glimpse into our world, a true N.A.M. never needs to rationalize like a monkey.

The IMBS started on one of my bi-annual pilgrimages to Men's Wearhouse. I found a really sweet chocolate brown blazer with a tan pinstripe (I'll explain the importance of earthtones in a later post). When I went to slip the jacket on, I noticed the slacks were missing from the hanger. I called over a salesman who looked on the rack and found a taupe suite with a grey pinstripe and gave me the slacks to try on with my jacket. When I came out of the fitting room, the salesman uttered two words that changed my life, two words that every N.A.M. must commit to memory. "It's close." I needed no validation from any mirror. I knew I was in the presence of greatness, as this salesman had obviously reached an upper echelon of New American Maleness.

In conclusion, when a N.A.M. is questioned about his IMBS, he needs only to repeat those two special words. This typically ends all inquiry. After this, if any skepticism remains, proceed with a swift mush to the face to get your point across.

N.A.M.'s Guide to The Hills

Not only must a N.A.M. keep his body fit with monthly bicep exercises and casual frolf course walks, he must also keep his soul fulfilled with the most cutting edge pop-culture reality television shows. Enter "The Hills," a genius MTV creation that has been required N.A.M. viewing the past 2 seasons. To experience the finest of the "The Hills," here are some basic requirements:

1) Sing the opening song if you know the words. If you do not, or if you forget a verse, simply pump your fist in the air to its uplifting beat.
2) Constantly debate who the hottest girl on the show is. Many N.A.M.'s have a hard time choosing as each episode reveals more beautiful facts about each character.
3) Curse the men who date these women at every proper opportunity. N.A.M.'s are very protective of their womens.
4) Always root for another fight between Heidi and LC. If you don't keep a N.A.M.'s attention with high octane drama, he will be forced daydream about the Real World.
5) After watching "Scenes from the next," enjoy an open discussion with fellow N.A.M.'s on what you have just witnessed, and also what next week's episode may bring. N.A.M.'s don't watch reality TV in isolation; sharing the experience with like-minded N.A.M.'s is a must.

The Art of Mushing

Inevitably, when one is as glorious as a New American Male, altercations with others will ensue. These altercations may be a result of jealousy, fear, awe, or some combination thereof. Regardless, a N.A.M. does not stand for disrespect. Whenever a New American Male is met with an affront, he quickly and decisively responds with a mush.

What is a mush, you ask? A mush, my friends, is the application of the open hand to another's face. In one swift motion, after the face has been grabbed, the face is then pushed away from the N.A.M. Preferably, any confrontation ends with the assailant mushed down a flight of stairs. Or perhaps mushed out a window. Inevitably, a mushing will result in both physical pain and shame. In this sense, mushing can be considered akin to training a dog.

Bilbo Appreciation Night

Any true New American Male has great American male friends. I, of course, have many, some of whom can provide great insight into the mind of the N.A.M. Tonight I'd like discuss one my personal favorites: Bilbo.

From his stylish rugby style long sleeve shirts, to his boyish side-part, Biblo's avatar captures a sense of style that every aspiring N.A.M. can learn from. He has a killer gaming computer (which mushed my p.o.s. dell just last week) and I respect that. He dominates 8 year-old Japanese kids in Halo, and he can jam out Buckethead on expert level with his eyes closed, I respect these qualities too. But what I respect most is his unparalleled and unexpected episodes of rainmaking. This kid makes it pour.

Lesson: making it rain is essential to becoming a N.A.M. So next time you see Bilbo monkey-pawing unsuspecting strangers in the basement of Rulloff's, I suggest you stop whatever you're doing and pay close attention to his next-level rainmaking abilities.

Why N.A.M.'s Frolf

Some people like golf. I don't. I like frolf. Frolf combines two games that are mediocre on their own, but when combined create a delicious synergy. Occasionally, when I'm on a frolf course, and the sun is setting as the strong wind whips through the tall grass, I experience a feeling that I imagine is close to nirvana. Moreover, I am awfully good at frolf. I like to describe my frolf style as unorthodox, yet aesthetically appealing.

The N.A.M. Guide to Tossing Irons

A respectable workout regimen is a vital part of any New American Male's life. However, as with any self-improving activity, one must be wary not to overdo it. Thus, the typical N.A.M. workout only lasts 20 minutes. During this time, the sole focus should be on the moneymakers—the biceps. That's right. Twenty straight minutes of bicep curls. Then return home. Four to eight weeks later, repeat this routine.

Essential Footwear

• Hiking boots:  comfortable, durable, classy.  a must have.
• Starbury's: for $15 you can floss as hard as the N.A.M.
  
• Birkenstocks: I usually rock these when i'm getting my frolf on
• Boat Shoes: I like to break these out for very special occasions. e.g. oral arguments, important interviews, black tie affairs